Quo vadis

“Great things are coming when everything seems to be going wrong. Be patient!”

22 May 2018. One of these nights, when I go to bed early and try to prepare with a good seven-hour sleep for the morning (swim) training. Moon is shining and I just cannot leave the world of watchful minds, it’s here again. Although I don’t suffer on insomnia, lately I have more of such nights than I would like to. All the thoughts in my mind are making the head exploding, all the unanswered questions.

How comes, that often in our lives the joy from something new is exchanged with emptiness, just like that. Why I cannot call my last weeks differently than empty, shallow and chippy… Not all of them, but more and more often. On a piece of paper, I started writing down my feelings, some people say it helps. Sadness, frustration, reluctance, disinterest, emptiness. I jump from enthusiasm to apathy, if not depression. I used to see it around me but never thought I can be the same at one day. I am asking myself all the time if the status of body and mind could be caused by a longer lasting unhappiness or if it would be the fear from what is coming.

One year ago and exactly around this time, I met someone who lost control over his own life. It was a surprise and a shock too. Especially, when considering that this was the most smiley and positive person I could imagine walking on the streets. We all know very well the iceberg theory and what you can see in reality. Today I understand everything, also how a strong person can turn into a very woundable and wounded one. How a strong person can turn into a person requiring help. It is important in life to know how to ask for help.

I decided for change and the body is naturally resisting. The comfy part of ourselves will never stop fighting with the adventurer in us. The current status might be just early travel fever, or a door which yet requires to be shut.

After two hours of a meaningless tumbling, I open the laptop and decide to write these words. They might sound obscurely in the morning and they might not make sense at all. They might be just thoughts flowing through my mind, in the endless silence of the night. I don’t consider it normal to wash my hair at 1 a.m. but I can’t stand the never ending itching any more. It might be psychosomatic but the feeling of freshness afterwards is real.

The morning training will not happen anymore. I am changing the clock. Tomorrow I shall start my first vaccination, which should protect me on my world running tour. The tour of change. Another beginning. Another milestone. How many are still coming. Last weeks I suddenly fight and doubt. Change of mood, low motivation, frustration of the constant. It has been a fight with the time too, the whole interim period takes too long, as longer it takes as bigger the doubts. As bigger the fear. Fear is our life-time brake on the way to a better morning. 

I look at the Anne Frank Diary on the table, which I started to read lately. I remember one of her most powerful quotes…

I see the world being slowly transformed into wilderness; I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too. I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.

Again, as so many times before, the old pearl of wisdom resonates. The good things come often after we are hurt and suffer. All the good things come when you expect them the least. The only thing left is your faith. That you can only bounce back to a better tomorrow and nothing else. With self-awareness and power of your mind. Shall it be…